I’ve just been reading everyone’s up-beat New Years entries. I wish I had one to write.
I’ve been dealing with increasing depression and anxiety for months now, and they have caused unpleasant physical side-effects in my body, which have made life uncomfortable and unpleasant.
I was sick for all the travels in the UK with Mr Defeu and that girl. I even had to miss a lovely weekend with friends due to it, and it almost ruined my doing a spanking shoot.
I was too sick on Christmas Eve to enjoy my usual favourite part of Christmas – sneaking downstairs in the wee hours of the morning, to sit in a room lit only by the glowing, twinkling tree and basking in the magic of Christmas.
I was too sick the next day to eat Christmas dinner with my family – I managed to get through the gift opening, and put on the food I’d promised to make, and then I collapsed in bed, hearing the afternoon/evening’s laughter and conversation from alone in my room.
Having tea with two dear old friends was an ordeal to be gotten through with gritted teeth and Oscar-level acting to keep them from knowing how bad things were for me.
And then, New Years Eve, something I’d really looked forward to, turned into a nightmare as my health combined with other issues to give me a truly terrible start to the New Year.
I’m now up at 5AM – by now almost 6AM, crying and miserable. I don’t know what I have done wrong this past year that I am in this place now, and I don’t know what to do to correct it.
I had thought that I’d done good in dealing with my Master’s accident – that I’d been strong for myself and for others, a good support for him – really, that I’d proven myself as a wife.
Maybe that was hubris?
That was May – before then last year I had landed a good job, and finally started bringing in a good paycheck again. Getting back into work, and learning to deal with things Corporate was a bit bumpy at times, but I thought I did okay – at least, the customer liked the product!
But I know from a lifetime of experience that when I do Correct things in life (make the right choices, be selfless instead of selfish, make bold movements forward instead of stagnating, focus on thinking rationally and approaching life that way, etc.) that I am rewarded with life going well. Looking back over my life, the periods of stress and misery all coincide with periods where I am fucking up in one aspect of my life or another. Maybe hindsight will make this one more obvious, but right now I can’t see what I am doing wrong to be suddenly getting all this “bad karma” pouring out on me. And if I don’t know what to fix, I can’t fix it.
I feel stuck and scared to be stuck in this place.
I guess it’s off to therapy for me. Wheeee. What an exciting and fun prospect for starting this year. And more doctor’s appointments for the rest of what is ailing me.
My New Year’s Resolution: to not be sitting up at 6AM on January 3rd, next year, crying and confused and alone.
Oh, honey, I just want to gently wrap you up in hugs and love.
It sucks that your health has been so bad lately, and I can only imagine how isolating it must feel to have to miss out on the festivities. (Tom usually has to go and have a lie down halfway through day long events as well, as he did on Christmas day, so he will sympathise to some extent). I think you should be really careful about taking too much of the blame onto yourself.
Firstly, I feel mostly responsible for missing our socialising at the weekend (due to my hangover/stomach bug/food poisoning/whatever the hell it was) and none of us blamed you for that. Even if we’re both wrong, it was just one of those things and no-one’s fault, and if you had been perfectly well I may still have had to cancel.
Secondly, while I felt really bad that you were struggling, your illness really didn’t affect the shoot at all – it was already pretty chaotic, and I really valued the energy and input you were able to give. In some ways, although a third scene with the two of you would have been lovely, I really got a lot from just doing some straightforward D/s with my Dom, so in some ways I actually benefitted from you having to drop out of the last scene! (Plus, I’m really looking forward to seeing the pictures you took.) I hate the idea that you feel bad about not being able to give enough – you really did go above and beyond, given the technical problems, scheduling issues, and how bad you felt, and I appreciated every ounce of energy you gave. We got some hot footage out of it, which really is all that matters from a shooting point of view. I was sorry I didn’t have more energy to give to socialising with you, so please don’t feel bad about how much you had – I felt like you were coping way better than me!
More seriously, I am concerned about this belief that your physical health is somehow connected to your conduct. Sometimes ill health is just ill health. Maybe something about your lifestyle or situation is draining you, and therapy might well help you identify that and fix it. But just because you’re ill doesn’t mean you’re fucking up. It just means you’re ill. Sometimes you can’t fix that – you just have to look after yourself and wait it out. It sucks, but it doesn’t make you a bad person. For what it’s worth, if what I saw is any indication, even when your body is making things difficult, you are sparkly and sweet and brilliant and you put your all into everything you do, and I have a huge amount of admiration for that. Quite the opposite of fucking up – you’re playing the best game you can with a shitty hand.
I’m so sorry you’re miserable, darling, and I’m sorry our brief time together was complicated by so many things, from both sides. I hope you manage to find some healing and peace in the new year. Maybe the answer isn’t to try and fix things, but to take the pressure off yourself to do everything even when you’re sick. (I know I’m not one to talk…)
Hugs and love x
Sending you such big hugs, and lots of love. This is such a moving post, and you were so brave to share what you’re feeling so openly and frankly.
You create so much good “karma” for other people and are so lovely that you don’t deserve to feel so bad yourself. Forming a friendship with you (and your Master) was one of the very loveliest things in the past year for us.
Re-reading your last sentence, it strikes me that so very many people care deeply about you that you have no need to feel ‘alone’ – although I appreciate (from ten years or so ago, when my personal life was tough) that it can be really hard to talk and share. (Actually, having so many friends made it almost feel *more* difficult for me, in a way, although looking back, it didn’t need to have done).
I hope you can reach out and embrace all of the loving support that’s out here for you if and when you need and want help through the ‘crying and confused’ bits.
xx
Lovely Pandora — Thank you … and I very much like the idea of you wrapping me up in hugs — I’ll take all of that when I see you in the flesh again!
It wasn’t actually just the weekend you had the Dread Lurghy that I was too sick to do anything, but it was the next weekend as well, for the party Up Norf.
I don’t think I’m entirely wrong to connect my current emotional/physical state with what I am doing with my life, because at the very least what I need to be doing with my life is going to the doctor(s) and focusing on patching myself up, and if I *don’t* do that things will get much worse. But on a larger scale, the pattern I see in my life is that when I manage to combine Right Action/Right Thought/etc., I reap the rewards of life generally becoming easier … and when I go along mindlessly is when things start going tits up. I’m not berating myself (err, well, not at the moment, at any rate!) but keeping Mindful is never a bad thing, and stepping back and evaluating is vital. It just sounded particularly bad as I was trying to step back and evaluate during a depressive episode!
How about we talk with each other soon and urge both of ourselves to take some pressure off…?
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Abel, my dear friend –
Thank you so much for your kind words! (Although I wasn’t entirely brave in my sharing, as about all of three people, you included, read this blog!) [wry grin]
I was alone at the time in the way that one is always alone in one’s head during depression. But also, all of my usual support people were asleep or otherwise incommunicado, and knowing I could talk to them “in a while,” just wasn’t cuttin’ it!
But I finally went and woke up my Master (I hate doing that!), and he held me and got me to sleep. And I’ve spent the day looking in to doctors and taking care of myself, so I am much better now — which means I feel much less alone and confused (well, still confused as to why my brain and body seem to be falling to pieces, but I can’t answer that one by myself!) and I think I can get through tonight with no crying — no promises, but I’ll try *real* hard!
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Thank you both for taking the time to write such beautiful words — they mean a great deal to me, and I utterly reciprocate all that love right back to you both!