I’ve just been reading everyone’s up-beat New Years entries. I wish I had one to write.
I’ve been dealing with increasing depression and anxiety for months now, and they have caused unpleasant physical side-effects in my body, which have made life uncomfortable and unpleasant.
I was sick for all the travels in the UK with Mr Defeu and that girl. I even had to miss a lovely weekend with friends due to it, and it almost ruined my doing a spanking shoot.
I was too sick on Christmas Eve to enjoy my usual favourite part of Christmas – sneaking downstairs in the wee hours of the morning, to sit in a room lit only by the glowing, twinkling tree and basking in the magic of Christmas.
I was too sick the next day to eat Christmas dinner with my family – I managed to get through the gift opening, and put on the food I’d promised to make, and then I collapsed in bed, hearing the afternoon/evening’s laughter and conversation from alone in my room.
Having tea with two dear old friends was an ordeal to be gotten through with gritted teeth and Oscar-level acting to keep them from knowing how bad things were for me.
And then, New Years Eve, something I’d really looked forward to, turned into a nightmare as my health combined with other issues to give me a truly terrible start to the New Year.
I’m now up at 5AM – by now almost 6AM, crying and miserable. I don’t know what I have done wrong this past year that I am in this place now, and I don’t know what to do to correct it.
I had thought that I’d done good in dealing with my Master’s accident – that I’d been strong for myself and for others, a good support for him – really, that I’d proven myself as a wife.
Maybe that was hubris?
That was May – before then last year I had landed a good job, and finally started bringing in a good paycheck again. Getting back into work, and learning to deal with things Corporate was a bit bumpy at times, but I thought I did okay – at least, the customer liked the product!
But I know from a lifetime of experience that when I do Correct things in life (make the right choices, be selfless instead of selfish, make bold movements forward instead of stagnating, focus on thinking rationally and approaching life that way, etc.) that I am rewarded with life going well. Looking back over my life, the periods of stress and misery all coincide with periods where I am fucking up in one aspect of my life or another. Maybe hindsight will make this one more obvious, but right now I can’t see what I am doing wrong to be suddenly getting all this “bad karma” pouring out on me. And if I don’t know what to fix, I can’t fix it.
I feel stuck and scared to be stuck in this place.
I guess it’s off to therapy for me. Wheeee. What an exciting and fun prospect for starting this year. And more doctor’s appointments for the rest of what is ailing me.
My New Year’s Resolution: to not be sitting up at 6AM on January 3rd, next year, crying and confused and alone.
